Today you are officially a full 20 prenatal weeks old. We can hardly believe that you will be here in 20 weeks (give or take a few days). You are approximately 12 ounces (probably a little bigger) and I am starting to feel your kicking presence more and more. It excites me so much that I find myself waiting for you to knock on my belly. I can't wait until I feel you frequently and your daddy will be able to feel you also. Over the next several weeks, you will grow eight (hopefully no more - please don't hurt mom too much) times your size.
Little One, life has handed me some life changing events over the last few months, you being one of them. New love, deep love, excitement and loss. I keep thinking the course of events must be a dream, but they are real and, to some degree, I can only explain them as divine.
This past September 2007, my father, your grandpa was diagnosed with cancer, a type known as T-Cell Lymphoma in very late stages. The doctors worked hard to make him well and started him on chemotherapy, which he seemed to be responding well.
After spending a great deal of time with him at his home in Colorado, I came home and officially met your daddy. We connected and became inseparable immediately, falling deeply in love. Not too long after, you were created, and while it was not the typical course of action in relationships, we were thrilled to learn of your creation and to start our lives together.
I shared the news slowly with my family (your daddy was so excited he called him family immediately), rolling out to your grandma (my mom) and once we knew you were safe and sound in my womb, we told your grandpa (my dad) and uncle (my younger brother). They are all so excited and a special bond has already been created between you and these three very special people, as well as your grandma(s), grandpa and aunts on your daddy's side. You are one loved little creature, our hearts are all bursting!
In December, we learned that grandpa's chemotherapy was no longer working and the doctor's needed to try a different medication to fight the disease more aggressively. This taxed his energy even more, but your uncle and I were able to spend a wonderful Christmas with him at his home. That Christmas will live forever in our hearts, as shortly after we celebrated the holiday the doctor's told us that there just wasn't anything more that they could do to help grandpa. He made the decision to enter a hospice program and spend his remaining days at his home.
Little one, I can't tell you how profoundly sad and frightened I was. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, but the fact of the matter is, death is as part of life as birth is and you will probably have to face that feeling at some point in your life. You will feel like you just can't go on, but I promise that you will. In fact, you will take many lessons from the experience, just as I have. Do your very best to embrace them and learn from them.
Your uncle and I spent grandpa's final day's with him at his home in Colorado, with the assistance of his very close friends and the help of the local hospice. He passed away very peacefully, listening to Van Morrisson, surrounded by your uncle and I, and four of his close friends. If people can orchestrate their deaths, he did it perfectly. It even started to snow when the funeral home came to pick him up. Watching him exhale his last breath was not scary, it was an honor to be a witness of. He was there for my first breath and I was there for his last.
While it's against a lot of my sensibilities that I have held for much of my life, I like to believe that he is able to walk this earth and observe what is going on. Perhaps with his dad (my grandpa and your great-grandpa) and his dog Mack. Before he passed, he asked often about you and, in his way, promised to watch over us. You have a very special bond with this man that you never met. I wish you could have known him, I could imagine him holding you and singing you the "Love's Ribs" song, as he sang to me when I was born. I promise to tell you all about him as he was such a special person who I was incredibly close to. Whether he is able to walk this earth or not, he lives forever in our hearts.
Next week we are going in for a 4D ultrasound in hopes of figuring out if you are a boy or a girl! We are so excited and can't wait to start planning for you. Baby shower planning is already in the works by several of my very close girlfriends and your daddy and I are starting to plan how the three of us will live in our home. There is so much to do before your arrival, but we can't wait till you get here, ready or not!
Much love,
Mom
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